🙏✨Uh Sarah……
(Because apparently we need guidelines now.)
Ah yes, the Jesus Parade — that magical Eureka Springs tradition where Spring Street becomes a runway of holiness, confusion, and at least three people dressed like they got lost on their way to a Church Picnic. And since this year’s parade falls on Saturday, April 4th, it’s only fair that we help you avoid becoming that person. You know the one. The one who ends up in everyone’s photos for all the wrong reasons.
So here it is: your sarcastic, lovingly judgmental guide to what not to wear to the Jesus Parade.

❌ 1. Don’t Wear Your “Literal Interpretation of Scripture” Outfit
Look, we all appreciate commitment. But showing up in nothing but “garments of skins” (Genesis 3:21, thanks for the visual) is a fast track to traumatizing tourists, confusing children, and giving the cops an unexpected afternoon. Save the Adam‑and‑Eve cosplay for your private garden, not Spring Street.

❌ 2. Don’t Wear Lingerie “Because It’s Hot Out”
Yes, it’s April. Yes, Arkansas weather is unpredictable. But no, your lace‑trimmed “praise the Lord” bralette is not parade attire. If your outfit would get you kicked out of a Walmart in Harrison, it’s probably not Jesus‑approved either.

❌ 3. Don’t Wear Anything That Requires a Disclaimer
If your outfit needs a paragraph of explanation, a theological footnote, or a trigger warning, just… don’t. This includes:

Wings wider than a Honda Civic
Boots taller than your moral high ground
Robes so long you sweep half of Spring Street with them
Anything that sheds glitter like a molting unicorn…except drag queens…they are free to glitter the streets.

❌ 4. Don’t Wear “Biblical Accuracy”
Please resist the urge to show up as “Crucifixion Scene, But Make It Performance Art.”
We get it. You’re deep. You’re edgy. You’re committed.
But nothing kills the vibe faster than someone dragging a 12‑foot cross uphill while screaming about Romans. Also, the new laws probably frown on “half‑naked and bloody” as a family‑friendly aesthetic.

❌ 5. Don’t Wear Your “I Picked This Verse Because It Supports My Argument” T‑Shirt
If your shirt quotes Deuteronomy 22:5 but you’re wearing polyester blends, mixed fibers, and a hairstyle Leviticus would absolutely smite you for, maybe skip the scripture fashion statements altogether. Hypocrisy is so last season.

❌ 6. Don’t Wear Anything That Suggests You’re Confused About Which Parade You’re At
It’s Diversity Weekend. It’s the Jesus Parade. It’s Arkansas.
Honestly, no one knows what’s happening anymore.
But if your outfit screams “I’m here for Pride!” while your sign screams “Repent!”, you’re sending mixed signals that even Jesus can’t decode.

❌ 7. Don’t Wear Your Governor‑Approved Dress Code
If Sarah Sanders ever releases an official “Jesus Parade Uniform,” please ignore it.
Unless you enjoy dressing like a Duggar on laundry day. Again…don’t dress like Sarah, and for God’s sake , don’t steal the tablecloth from the church picnic…

❌ 8. Don’t Wear Boredom
Above all: don’t show up looking like you’re headed to jury duty.
This is Eureka Springs — land of rainbow stairs, drag queens, and people who treat costumes like a competitive sport.
If you’re not at least trying to be fabulous, what are you even doing?

🌈 Final Word
Wear whatever expresses your freedom — just maybe not your entire freedom.
And remember: the Jesus Parade is about joy, contradiction, spectacle, and the sacred Eureka tradition of confusing outsiders.
See you on April 4th, dressed in something fabulous… or at least something that won’t get you escorted off Spring Street.